"THANKSGIVING DINNER"

THANKSGIVING COMES,

BUT ONCE A YEAR,

I'M STANDING HERE THINKING,

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

WILL IT BE DONE,

BEFORE THREE OR FOUR,

THE BANANA PUDDIN IS GOOD,

CAN I HAVE SOME MORE.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED,

LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME,

AT THE END OF THE DAY,

I ALMOST LOST MY MIND.

EVENING BEFORE THANKSGIVING,

ALL DAY IN THE KITCHEN,

I WAS COOKING AND BAKING,

AND GRIPING AND BITCHIN'.

I'D BEEN THERE FOR HOURS,

I COULDN'T STOP TO REST,

THIS PLACE WAS A ZOO,

JUST LOOK AT THE MESS.

TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY,

WITH PEOPLE TO FEED,

THEY EXPECT ALL THE TRIMMINGS,

WHO CARES WHAT I NEED.

MY HANDS WERE BOTH BLISTERED,

I'VE GOT RUNNERS IN MY HOSE,

WHERE ARE THE KLEENEX,

I GOTTA BLOW MY NOSE.

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR,

NOW WHO COULD THAT BE,

THIS LATE AT NIGHT,

I BETTER GO SEE.

IT WAS MY HUSBAND,

DRINKING WITH FRIENDS,

HE FORGOT HIS KEY,

AND COULDN'T GET IN.

IF I WASN'T MORE CARING,

I'D LEFT HIM OUTSIDE,

THEN THERE'D BE THE FUNERAL,

AND THE JOY I COULDN'T HIDE.

TWO PIES IN THE OVEN,

DESSERT'S ALMOST DONE,

THE COUNTER IS COVERED,

WITH SYRUP AND RUM.

I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STAND,

I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE,

THEN IN WALKS MY HUSBAND,

SPILLING RUM ON THE FLOOR.

HE STAGGERS AND STUMBLES

AND BELCHES UNSTEADY,

THEN GRINS AND GIGGLES,

IS THE EGGNOG READY,

HE LOOKED ALL AROUND,

AND A SIGH HE THEN LETS,

WHAT'S TAKIN' SO LONG,

AIN'T YOU THRU IN HERE YET.

AS QUICK AS A FLASH,

I REACHED FOR A KNIFE,

IT'S YOUR LAST THANKSGIVING,

I SWEAR TONIGHT.

HE STUBBED HIS BIG TOE,

ON THE LEG OF THE TABLE,

HE LET OUT BLUE STREAK,

OF CURSES AND FABLES

HE FLED FROM THE ROOM,

IN TERROR AND PAIN,

SCREAMING MY GOD WOMAN,

YOU'RE GOING INSANE.

NOW WHAT WAS I DOING,

AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL,

OH, CRAP, IT'S THE PIES,

THEY'RE BURNED ALL TO HELL!!

I HATE TO ADMIT,

WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE,

BUT I PUT IT ON BROIL,

INSTEAD OF ON BAKE.

WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG,

THERE'S AN ACKE IN MY AHEAD,

I DON'T MIND THE COOKING,

IT'S THE CLEANING I DREAD.

NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG,

I LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASONS,

BUT THEY LEAVE ME EXHAUSTED,

WITH NO SENSE OF REASON.

I PROMISE ONE THING,

THEY WON'T FIND ME IN HERE,

CAUSE I'LL FIND ANOTHER WAY,

TO DO IT NEXT YEAR,

I'LL HIRE A STAFF,

OF COOKS AND WAITERS,

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK,

THEN TO ME IT WON'T MATTER.

THEY CAN FEND FOR THEMSELVES,

COME THANKSGIVING NEXT YEAR,

CAUSE I'LL BE IN THE BAHAMAS,

AND THEY CAN ALL KISS MY REAR.

(anonymous)

Fraternally, Ben Steen

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